You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
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I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Hotels are back
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.