Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
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MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.