You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*