The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.