Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
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Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Denise please return my vape pen
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep