You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
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Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.