We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
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Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
At an art museum and I thought this was art
*weighs self after shaving
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes