I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
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[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Smooooooth
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*