I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
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My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.