Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
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Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes