You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
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You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…