Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Before & after 😅
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.