I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
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I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?