When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
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Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
😂😂
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…