Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
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My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
when revenge coincides with naptime
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.