60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN