my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
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dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I’m sure it’s fine.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.