Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
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If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
The future is now.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work