The future is now.
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When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
There’s always that one guy
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ