Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
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I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
accurate
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Me too 😆
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.