Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.