me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
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Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I put the mess in domestic.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no