[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
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What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Meeeee too!
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.