I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
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Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
can’t bark with your mouth full
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”