Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
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This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
🙁
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.