Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
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[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is