There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
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“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?