Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
![]()
You Might Also Like
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Terribly Tuesday.
![]()
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully