Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
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He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
oh shit oh fuck i’m on the wrong flight
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.