Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
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We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.