Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
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Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
We’ve all been there
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes