@Parkerlawyer

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

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@garrydavenport

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

@glittercoco_

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

@inigoomontoya

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

@LindaInDisguise

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

@WheelTod

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

@robdelaney

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

@AbbyHasIssues

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.