@bizmichael “Sheer Arrogance”
@Parkerlawyer Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
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@bizmichael 
@garrydavenport Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
@glittercoco_ *deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
@inigoomontoya I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
@LindaInDisguise If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
@WheelTod Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
@UncleDuke1969 Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
@robdelaney My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
@simoncholland I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
@AbbyHasIssues If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.