Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

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Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them


*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*


I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people


If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.


Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.


Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.


My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.


If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.