Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
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Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”
— how the worm got its name
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.