There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
You Might Also Like
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Does it…does it take 3 days
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.