*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

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[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]


I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.


I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.


You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.


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Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”


I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”


I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”


launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076