@QwertyJones3

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

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@Owl_Meat

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

@longwall26

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

@AtticusFinch79

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

@HallpassCanada

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

@TheTweetOfGod

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

@SteveSuckington

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

@dlockw21

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

@JordanPeele

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

@coolbutgood

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076