*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
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There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,