If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
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[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
#Caturday
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
He took my last fry, your honor
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?