This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
You Might Also Like
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
But I really needed water water water