A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
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I’ve been drinking.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?