I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
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All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed