Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Software Development ⛵️
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”