“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
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Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
The smoothest fall of all time
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie