The smoothest fall of all time
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Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
mmm onion ringos
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip