It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Y’all know who you are.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
kevin is now a local weatherman
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would