My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
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Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
the last thing a carrot sees
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently