Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
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I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I’m aging like a fine banana
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!