Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
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If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
sliding into dms like
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
This is the best one I’ve seen
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.