Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
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*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Somebody’s lying.
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Natural selection at its finest
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
shut up and take my money
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“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.