Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip


It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house


She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.


I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.


We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.


I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.


[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on