Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
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“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
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Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled