Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
You Might Also Like
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My love language is deader than Latin
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”