Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
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babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
tinder is all about the long game
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.