i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
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I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?