*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
You Might Also Like
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Lmao
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.