Lmao
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I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
jesus christ confetti not now
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*