“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
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I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
stop
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
this country is so goddamn polarized
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.