The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
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I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Always…
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.