I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
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Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
The devil.